Movie Watchers I Know - Part II

In Part II of a four-part series about the diversity of movie watchers, we will discuss the different types of people that watch movies in theatres. In Part I, we already spoke of those that have certain qualities during the movie previews, so this part will focus on viewers of the feature presentation.

Again, if you belong to any of these groups, don't be shy about it. Stand up and admit to it. Also feel free to add any other types of movie watchers you happen to know. Let us continue now with Part II: In Theatres (During the Movie). 

In Theatres (During the Movie)

The Texter

Once the cell phone talker, The Texter is the new evolution from the new generation. The Texter doesn’t realize the light from the cell phone is really annoying for those sitting within a 2-seat radius behind or beside them. Not only did they ignore the ‘please turn off all cellphones’ announcement prior to the movie, their goal is to find anything else to do from whatever it is they are doing at that moment. They go to the movies for a distraction from the outside world, but quickly wonder what their friends might be doing without them. I guess they feel as if they found out about what’s happening 2 hours later, they’ll be completely out of the loop and ostracized from their community of friends. When someone asks them politely to turn off their phones, they are either confused as to how someone else could be distracted when they weren’t even clicking the keys that loudly, or they get angry and abusive to someone who should be minding their own business. The Texter is perhaps the worst type of movie watcher because once they start, they can never stop texting.

The Constant Whisperer

With all the sound improvements to movie theatres (surround-sound, extreme bass, the general loudness of speakers), one would think that The Whisperer would be of little distraction, but that’s not the case. Not only does the inaudibility of The Whisperer make multiple whispers a necessity to get their point across, but the voice is always heard from strangers sitting close by. The Constant Whisperer also has to lean in slightly to speak directly into their neighbour’s ear and, seeing as theatres are built so that those sitting directly behind have a sightline right between their heads, the fusion of heads momentarily blocks the screen. The unlucky movie-goers in behind are now forced to slalom their heads back and forth throughout the movie in order to have a constant view of the screen.

Note: The Lovebirds are part of the sub-division within Constant Whisperers in that they are continuously kissing quietly and consistently blocking views of those sitting behind them.

The Snack Sharer

Despite the overpriced items at the concession stand, some people find their popcorn or candy a necessary purchase to fully enjoy the movie experience. These people also sometimes believe that sharing is a necessity at the movies. However, instead of sharing treats casually throughout the movie by simply passing the snacks along, The Snack Sharers will reach their arms across several seats of friends during inopportune times of the movie. Friends immersed in the movie during key action scenes or emotional moments will be tapped on their knee and see The Sharer reaching far across trying to hand out a handful of popcorn. Even after a polite decline during the movie, The Sharer is persistent by offering several times throughout the movie, thinking the decliners will eventually have to change their minds.

The Food-From-Home Sneakers

Here we have the organized version of Snack Sharers. These folks are aware of the prices at the movies and instead decide to bring their own snacks from home. After a few movie trips, the people become more courageous and expand their palate. “Why bring chocolate bars when we can sneak in sandwiches?” Soon it becomes: “Why bring sandwiches when we can sneak in a quarter chicken dinner?” Not long afterwards, we find these Food Sneakers pulling out a fresh fajita dinner from their backpacks along with cans of pop. And to boot, instead of opening these cans normally, they try to open them slowly thinking it’ll make less noise and no one will recognize their sneaky ways. As a result, movie viewers are prone to hearing the longest can opening in history:

“Tstttt. (Pause). Pshhhhhhh. (Silence). Kehhhh. (Wait for it…). Klik.” And then the quiet slurp.

The Re-Watcher

Never go to a movie with someone who has already seen it. If you do, you will be subject to several spoiler noises of: “Oh! I see,” from your neighbour, which make you realize that what just took place is important to the twist ending. More annoying is the person who says: “Oh! This part is good. Watch this,” especially when the new viewer is immersed in the film. What else are they going to do when quietly watching a movie at the cinema? Look at the artwork on the walls?

Be sure to read Parts I through IV.

aa.

Part I: In Theatres (Pre-Movie).

Part III: At Home – coming December 27th.

Part IV: My Fatal Flaw – coming the 1^st Monday of 2011.